You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
