I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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