fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
