I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize