my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
