i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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