my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
