you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
