How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
