I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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