I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
