the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
