This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
