yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
