i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
