I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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