So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
