The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
