i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
