All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
