The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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