So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
