I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
