at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dating After Heartbreak
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink