now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.