how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
