just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
