I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
you inspire me to be a worse person
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
