Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
