My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
