i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
