This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
