I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
