The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
