Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
