guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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