I accidentally burped into my bong.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
