On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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