I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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