I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
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so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
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She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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