Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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