i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Im part way to drunk.