i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
yeah, it was that bad.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
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everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
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Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl