Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
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