I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!