The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
