just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.