Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
