Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
