i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
