Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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