i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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