I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
