theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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