This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
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When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
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I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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