I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
