god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
