you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
