i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
