Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
These 21 Declassified Government Horrors Are Unimaginable
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.