I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
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Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
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You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk